Staying rooted amid the flux
Practical ways to cultivate trust when life is always changing
Last week, I (Maddy) wrote about my struggle to cultivate trust in the face of life’s personal and cyclical fluctuations. To summarise briefly: following the unexpected end of my marriage and the subsequent worsening of a suspected menstrual health condition, for the past couple of years I have been finding it hard to find solid ground when it comes to knowing what’s ‘real’ or ‘true’.
If you find yourself navigating your own phase of flux right now, today’s post explores some of the things that have helped me root into myself and my place in the world when everything feels unstable and uncertain…
Missed last week’s post? Read it here:
Why inconsistency makes it hard to trust
In last week’s podcast conversation, we explored the theme of trust: what it means, why it’s particularly needed at this time of year, and how it can help us grow. We talked about trusting in the unfurling process of life, as well as in ourselves, and I (Maddy) shared that I’ve been struggling to do either these p…
WATER | SOUL + FEELING
Experiencing a period of instability feels a lot like being in water. Whether your circumstances resemble the winding and fast-flowing course of a river, or the unfathomable vastness of an ocean, there tends to be a pervading sense of being ‘out of our depth’ - overwhelmed, exhausted from trying to stay afloat with nothing to hold on to, and at risk of sinking or being swept away.
The water element - symbolic of reflection, healing and emotion - is associated with autumn, the season of shedding and release. In terms of the self, it’s also connected with the soul: the part of us that feels deeply and searches for meaning in life. Acting as a mirror for the swirling, immersive experience of uncertainty itself, turning to water-wisdom during times of flux reminds us of the need to honour our feelings rather than trying to out-swim them or allowing them to pull us under.
Journaling can be a great way to still the spiralling churn of emotion, pouring it from the depths of your inner world into the container of a notebook. It doesn’t necessarily change the way you feel, but it can help to support expression (rather than suppression) and sometimes provides a useful sense of perspective that can seem impossible to achieve through internal processing alone. If you struggle to write from a completely open starting point, try asking yourself a question or pulling a tarot or oracle card to use as a prompt. And if you prefer to verbalise rather than write, try recording yourself speaking your feelings aloud so that you can listen back later for insights into subconscious layers.
Talking to someone else can, of course, be helpful too - and has the added benefit of building connectedness at the same time - but it’s important to choose your conversation partner wisely, trusting that they can listen without judgement or agenda, and accept you as you are. These are foundational principles of therapy, which is intended to offer a sheltered harbour in which to wade through the waters of your soul, but if this isn’t accessible to you right now or it’s not something you feel comfortable with, then sharing your feelings with a safe friend or loved one can provide a steadying anchor, too.
EARTH | BODY + BEING
When flooded by the waters of change in a way that feels unstable and overwhelming, our instinct is to seek dry land - something solid and certain. After immersing ourselves in the flux and flow of our emotions, therefore, it makes sense that we might feel drawn towards the earth element: the rooted energy associated with the frozen ground of winter. Once we have a clear(er) idea of what’s happening around and within us, it can be helpful to prioritise peace and regulation; to come back to centre and ground ourselves in something tangible. This can help us to hold ourselves steady and respond to life intentionally, rather than constantly being swayed off balance and reacting involuntarily.
For me, a big part of this has been bringing more awareness to my body and my physical experience of the world. So often our default is to lead with the mind, trying to think our way out of difficult situations, when in reality our thoughts (and our consequent feelings and actions) are intricately intertwined with our bodily responses. When we find ourselves caught up in an argument with a loved one, for example, we may say and do things that we believe are guided by valid thinking (“you upset or annoyed me so I am expressing that with words and actions”), but how often do we pause to tune into what’s happening physically - what sensations we’re experiencing - and consider whether this may be impacting our thoughts?
In my case, I have come to see that many emotionally destabilising interactions arise when my body over-responds to a perceived threat (likening a simple disagreement to physical danger), prompting physical reactions - rapid heartbeat, racing mind - that cause me to think and behave differently to how I would if I felt safe. However much I try to stay calm and present, I often end up in tears through panic and overwhelm, and can only regain safety (control) by withdrawing into isolation. Much of it comes down to trust - in myself, in the other person, in the stability of life itself - and this is something that is intuitive rather than logical. We can’t think our way to trust, we need to feel it. And that’s hard when our sense of self, our relationships with others, and our experiences of the world can be so changeable.
For the past few months I have been working hard on connecting with my body and raising my awareness of my physical responses to triggers - just noticing what’s happening, being curious about why, and allowing myself to tend to whatever need is arising in a compassionate way. It helps me to think of the reactive part of myself as my inner child, and to show her the same care I would offer a little one who was standing right in front of me, struggling with a difficult situation. Soothing, slowing, expressing, reassuring… in whatever ways feel needed. There are all kinds of somatic tools that can be used to help regulate the nervous system and cultivate a safe haven within ourselves, so I encourage you to explore these for yourself if you think this approach may be helpful for you. No matter the chosen technique, the key is honouring the body as a source of rooted wisdom.
AIR | MIND + THINKING
Associated with the air element of spring - a time of quickening pace and increasing activity in the wild world - the mind can often be a busy and frantic place, even more so during periods of change or uncertainty. As such, although ‘thinking things through’ is often our go-to strategy when faced with the need to figure something out, we can rapidly find ourselves becoming even more anxious, confused and untethered when we allow flurries of thoughts to spiral into whirling tornados.
Once we’ve immersed ourselves in the waters of emotion and begun to root into the earthy stability of the body, we have a better chance of being able to engage with cognitive processing in a helpful way. By tending to our feelings and our physical responses first, we can keep things slower and calmer, giving ourselves space to decide which thoughts can gently lift us up and set us free, and which are causing us to spin out of control.
When I was in my early twenties, struggling with a phase of severe anxiety, I used to write myself lists in an attempt to reduce the worry and move forward. It sounds logical and helpful, but there would be so many of them, and they would each contain so many individual tasks and ideas, that they ended up having the total opposite effect, making me more overwhelmed rather than less. Looking back, I can see that I believed I could think my way out of how I was feeling, when what I really needed was to feel what I was feeling - to let it be; to let myself be. In bypassing that phase, I was rushing to fix the problem with lists of solutions, without understanding what that problem truly was.
These days, I still write lists - but only after feeling into the situation, both emotionally and physically. I also limit the number of items I add to my lists, firstly by only writing down the things that feel genuinely meaningful and helpful, and secondly by breaking big ideas down into their constituent parts, then only focusing on the first few steps - knowing that I can think about what comes next once I’m further along, instead of feeling compelled to do it all at once. This can really help to reduce overwhelm: in my experience, “find three potential flats” and “contact estate agents” is much less intimidating than “relocate to Brighton”!
Logical thinking from a grounded place can help navigate life’s uncertainties in other ways, too. When I have felt torn between head and heart in recent months, once I’ve sat with my feelings it has been useful to look at the facts, considering the pros and cons of particular situations to try to see things from a more neutral perspective. Similarly, gathering evidence for and against beliefs I have wanted to challenge, and setting myself ‘experiments’ to test out specific ideas, have also been positive ways of exploring and embracing the power of my mind. Since my now ex-husband ended our marriage, for example, I seem to have developed a deeply-embedded assumption that “nobody likes me”, which has made it hard to make new friends. By examining the evidence, and challenging myself to reach out regardless, I have disproved this belief and started to build community little by little.
Throughout the past few years of flux, there has also been something important for me about choice and responsibility that has very much been ‘thinking work’. Since the separation, I have had very little in terms of closure from my ex - no real explanation of why, when or how things changed, from his perspective - and this has left me second-guessing not only the unfolding situation, but the entire history of the relationship. Slowly I have come to the conclusion that maybe this doesn’t matter, as all experience is subjective anyway: I will never truly know what the marriage was like for him, especially if he won’t tell me, but I do know what is was like for me. I can choose my story, and reclaim my agency to learn and grow in the way that makes sense for me. I can take responsibility for my role in the past, my experience of the present, and my plans for the future. In the face of uncertainty and lack of control, I have found that embracing the strength of the mind in this way can create powerful shifts.
FIRE | SPIRIT + DOING
Connected with the fire element of summer - the spark of initiative and action - this part of the process is about moving forward and bringing things to life, as well as ‘burning away’ all that is no longer needed. There’s not much that can be said about this phase, as it will look so different from person to person depending on the situation, but in general terms what seems important is that doing is the culmination of feeling, being and thinking. When we process our emotions, connect with our bodily responses, and support ourselves to think calmly and clearly, we are so much more able to take meaningful, aligned action.
For me right now, that means enrolling on the next level of my counselling training, taking steps to establish a permanent home and community for myself, and working on my health. It has taken me a long time to feel sure about these things and to get to a stage where ‘doing’ feels possible at all, but I truly believe that tuning into my soul and honouring my body have allowed me to have a better relationship with my mind, and ultimately find a tentative path through the chaos. Life will never be certain and things will always be changing and evolving, but knowing I can turn to these elemental processes gives me something to hold onto along the way.
Which ‘elements’ of this post do you feel drawn to and why? What helps you stay rooted amid the flux of life? We’d love to know in the comments!
Wild Essence Explorations
If the idea of rooting into self is calling to you right now, you might like to join us for a Wild Essence Exploration - a 90 minute guided journey with Maddy and Eleanor to help you consider who you are, where you’re going, and what you need to get there.
Using your unique ‘wild essence map’ - created by us especially for you - we’ll help you gain clarity around the themes and questions that feel most present at this time, before sharing our ‘rewilding compass’ framework to support your next steps.
We have a few slots left for our spring Explorations in March. Find out more via the button below!